Beyond our Ken. Karen Black and the Trilogy of Terror

Ken and Barbie. Which of us hasn't at some point considered sticking them in the microwave and seeing if they end up looking like the mutants in Beneath the Planet of the Apes?

I haven't. I'm too busy giving them genitals. But, if I wasn't, the microwave would indeed be their first port of call, thanks to me having always viewed dolls as things of purest evil.

I wasn't exactly dissuaded from this notion by the 1970s' made-for-TV flick Trilogy of Terror in which Karen Black's chased around her flat by an African Zuni fetish doll.

Now, I have to admit I don't have a clue what this blog's about or even what kind of purpose it's meant to serve but at least it means I can talk about what I want to when I want to. The other thing I value about it is that is that, unlike my other blog, the mighty Steve Does Comics, I don't feel any need to have the slightest clue what I'm on about. Thus I feel free to declare that, even though I haven't seen it for twenty eight years, and can remember almost nothing about it, Trilogy of Terror is the scariest horror movie ever made.

Granted, if I actually saw the thing again as a grown-up, that opinion might change.

And that's why I won't be making any effort to see it again. Better to hold onto my youthful fancies than to blow them away, like cobwebs, with the icy wind of reality.

Cats in bins. The answer

Even though people often accuse me of being out of touch with reality, like everyone else I've been horrified by the story of Mary Bale putting the dinky little kitten in the wheelie bin. "How can we guarantee this won't happen to our own dear cats?" I hear a nation cry.

And so, I've come up with this, the perfect solution. Simply by placing a cannon ball in your cat's mouth, a stick of dynamite in its lower intestines, and a wire fuse protruding from its rear quarters, you create the catzooka.

Now, whenever your cat's menaced by middle-aged women, all it needs do is set fire to its own backside, and the unbearable forces therein created by the exploding dynamite will launch the cannonball straight at her. Cue one happy cat and one less threat to kitten kind.