Cats in bins. The answer

Even though people often accuse me of being out of touch with reality, like everyone else I've been horrified by the story of Mary Bale putting the dinky little kitten in the wheelie bin. "How can we guarantee this won't happen to our own dear cats?" I hear a nation cry.

And so, I've come up with this, the perfect solution. Simply by placing a cannon ball in your cat's mouth, a stick of dynamite in its lower intestines, and a wire fuse protruding from its rear quarters, you create the catzooka.

Now, whenever your cat's menaced by middle-aged women, all it needs do is set fire to its own backside, and the unbearable forces therein created by the exploding dynamite will launch the cannonball straight at her. Cue one happy cat and one less threat to kitten kind.