Lady Gaga's raw meat bikini

I'd just like to congratulate lady Gaga on her raw meat bikini - she's somehow managed to put me off both women and food simultaneously. All she has to do now is put me off life itself and she's done the impossible hat-trick.

If I were two-faced, I wouldn't be wearing this one

In order to get myself a better reputation in this town, I've decided to tear my face off and replace it with two metal masks I've made. One of which is in the image of Cary Grant and the other of Audrey Hepburn.

Here's me with my Cary Grant mask on; "My dear girl, I've just been strafed by a bi-plane."

Here's me with my Audrey Hepburn mask on; "Oh, Mr Grant, what a great big silly poo-poo draws you are."

Actually, I'm starting to regret having torn my face off now.